Accountability and why it is so important

There's a lot on my mind so I'm not sure where to begin. Has anyone seen the new series on CBS called Mike & Molly? I loved that show - granted I've only seen the pilot, but it was still very funny.  The main characters meet at an over eaters anonymous meeting where jokes about weight and eating....and eating...and eating some more are made. And while I laughed at the jokes - because I can totally relate to all of them - not one mention was made of why the pattern started or how to end the pattern. Which apparently is where I am stuck.  As you all know by now - because I may have mentioned it once or twice - or a few more times - I had the weight loss goal of 102 pounds by my birthday. And I was so excited because it has been way way too long since I have looked in the mirror and liked what I've seen.

Now comes the painfully hard and brutally honest confession time.  What did I do to celebrate this accomplishment? I ate. I didn't count any of the calories. And as I sit here one week later after over eating a not so healthy lunch berating myself and condemning and just plain hating myself - so much that I was distracted at work - I realize that was my first mistake. My second mistake was loosening up and not maintaining my self control. My third mistake was allowing my pride in self to be built up. I didn't get here on my own and I can't continue on my own.  Only through God and His strength and self control can I ever hope to continue to grow in my own self control. 

I had a goal with a deadline. I had people to hold me accountable to that goal and that deadline. I knew the course I had to take in order to meet the deadline. If I strayed, I beat myself up mentally and punished myself physically with extra cardio and extra workouts. Might not have been the best thing to do. Probably shouldn't do that again. But my point is I don't know what my goal is now or when it will be accomplished. I mean, I know my goal is to get to a healthy weight, lose fat and build muscle. So the determination and drive is still there, I just don't have a set deadline for that goal.

So is it any wonder that the second I relax my guard I go crazy. For my birthday I had three pieces of cake - they were 1/2 slices so I told myself it was only 1.5 pieces of cake. Like that makes it ok. I ate all my Chinese food for dinner instead of taking half of it home as planned. And then while still full from dinner, I had popcorn and a sugar cookie with icing that was probably pure sugar.  I did fairly good Sunday - but that may have been because I was so full from Saturday.  But Monday allergies hit and turned into sinus congestion with a slight fever so I haven't been back to the gym at all this week. How did I compensate? Did I eat less? Did I eat healthy? No and no.  I continued to over eat - eating far more calories than I should have and eating whatever popped into my head to eat.  So while it wasn't fast food, it was still too much and not the healthiest way to eat.

Which brings us to this afternoon when instead of working, I sat at my desk feeling consumed by pure disgust for myself and the same old guilt and shame that overeating brings.  So to shake myself out of it I talked to God. I asked why am I doing this? What brought this on? Why did it go on for so long? Why can't I seem to stop? And it occurred to me. I hadn't logged any of my food. I use a special program to log my food. It's the Apex program for 24hour fitness. So my trainer can log on and see how I'm eating - if I need more protein and less fat. Or if I'm eating too much. DING DING! I haven't been logging my food so he can't see what I've been eating or how much I've been eating. I don't want him to know I've slipped. Well, slipped, slid, and tumbled far down the hill it took me so long to climb.  I don't want him to know I've failed. I don't want him to know that I feel like a hypocrite - people ask me to motivate them, and don't get me wrong I would love to help in every and any way I can but how can I help people when I fail myself?  Plus I could have probably gotten over this ick feeling much faster.

I was going to do a blog on motivation - still might later - but motivation is so personal and so different for each and every person. I would NOT be motivated by working out with Jillian or Bob. It would take less than one day of them screaming in my face before I gave up and walked out. Sorry, but I don't work well like that. I have to be encouraged and yes even coddled.  My motivation was I couldn't stand how I looked. I couldn't stand myself.  I wanted to live the life God gave me, not just coast through waiting for the day I would go to Heaven.  But that may not be someone else's motivation.

My point to this long winded story is accountability is crucial.  If I had logged my food I would have cut back after 1 day. Probably even half a day. Because I know someone else is seeing what I'm eating and going to want to talk about it.  I hate it when it happens, but when I get called out for doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to do, yes it hurts and yes I get a slight attitude for a minute until I realize they are right and I need to get back on track.

My second thought as I talked to God was that the guilt, shame, disgust and disappointed are not from Him. Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  And none of what I was feeling were those things. So I know they were lies. I am human. I stumble and fall down. Alot. But - and this is the best thing - God picks me up, dusts me off, holds my hand, and continues the walk with me.

I leave you with Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." That means that I can say, like Scarlett O'Hara, that tomorrow is another day. I will get a good nights rest, wake up and drink my protein shake and then get to the gym and give my all in kickboxing class.  New day, new attitude.