Ok, so I haven't posted much here lately. In case you haven't noticed on facebook - except I'm sure you have because I update my status' far far too often. I've been a little busy this month. This weekend I've been packing up to move apartments. And last weekend I was away because I was priviliged enough to be able to work a weekend with my Heavenly Father. Do you know why I love working Tres Dias weekends? I love it because I love being reminded that my God is a living, breathing, personal God. Who loves us so much that He takes time out of His busy schedule to meet with each of us individually - candidates and workers alike - to sort out our garbage and remind us that He loves us soooo much and He is taking care of us. Last weekend I shut off my cell phone for three days and basked in God's glory and love. And there are no words for that. And - confession time - I ate the campground food. Every morning I had eggs, buscuit and gravy, bacon/sausage, and fruit. I had dessert with every lunch and dinner. I ate the snacks at the tables and I got addicted to the peanuts and candy corn that when combined tase just like a payday - which I just have to say to whoever found that combination and decided to share it with the rest of us - that was very un-christian of you. And I enjoyed it! Now as I prepare to move, I eat the odd combination of foods so that I don't have to move the food to the new place (still not sure why - how hard is it to carry food from one apartment to another?!). Which means my calorie intake has been pretty high. And my time at the gym has been pretty low. So what has happened? The guilt has come in and taken away from my basking in God's joy and love. And the bad part is I let it. But I'm taking that joy back. You know why? Because I should not be ashamed and guilty. That is just a lie that I will not believe anymore. So maybe I didn't lose any pounds this month. Well guess what. That's ok. I'll get back to losing next month. In these past 10 months I have literally lunged and squatted my butt off. I have no butt. Not that you needed to know that about me - the point is I worked hard and am giving my body a little break to catch it's breath. But you know what? I didn't gain any pounds either. That brings me a little relief - it means that I should be able to handle the maintaining stage ok.
I almost made the joke that I can't work any more Tres Dias weekends because everytime I come back from working one I end up with a new trainer. But I won't be giving up these weekends! Even if it means breaking in a new guy. I love working Tres Dias because it is an opportunity for me to nail my worries to the cross and never pick them back up again. It's a chance for me to bond in a way that is never broken with other sisters in Christ. And it's a reminder that we are not alone in this journey. We all stumble, but we all get back up. I was reminded today that John 3:16 says that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. God so loved YOU that He sent His son to die for YOU. Jesus so loved YOU that He chose to die for YOU.
YOU personally. YOU period. He is in love with YOU. He doesn't care how thin you are. How long your hair is or how many wrinkles you have or don't have. Did you know when you laugh, He smiles!
Another confession time - When I was heavy, I didn't want a guy. I did because somehow it's a stigma to be single. You are incomplete, not a normal person unless you have a husband. I wanted one, but at the same time I didn't want one, because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Now I'm a lot more comfortable, a little more confident. But you know what? Who can treat me better than my God and Saviour? Who can provide for me better? Protect me better? Comfort, care, and know exactly what I need and truly want? I say this because YOU are not defined by having a person in your life. YOU are defined by who you Father is. There's a song and I don't know who sings it or the title of the song but the lyrics go "there is a God-shaped hole in all of us." I love that God designed us to need Him.
You know what I love about the bible? Everytime I read it something new jumps out at me like never before. My favorite verse is Psalms 37:4 - Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. You know why? Cause I may think I know what I want. What I desire. But He really knows what I need and what I should have. Sometimes what we think we want is only what the world says we should want. But God knows our hearts, and what we truly want and need.
So I sat down to write about one thing, and this all came out. I hope it made sense. I hope it helps. And I hope to give you all hugs soon.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Accountability and why it is so important
There's a lot on my mind so I'm not sure where to begin. Has anyone seen the new series on CBS called Mike & Molly? I loved that show - granted I've only seen the pilot, but it was still very funny. The main characters meet at an over eaters anonymous meeting where jokes about weight and eating....and eating...and eating some more are made. And while I laughed at the jokes - because I can totally relate to all of them - not one mention was made of why the pattern started or how to end the pattern. Which apparently is where I am stuck. As you all know by now - because I may have mentioned it once or twice - or a few more times - I had the weight loss goal of 102 pounds by my birthday. And I was so excited because it has been way way too long since I have looked in the mirror and liked what I've seen.
Now comes the painfully hard and brutally honest confession time. What did I do to celebrate this accomplishment? I ate. I didn't count any of the calories. And as I sit here one week later after over eating a not so healthy lunch berating myself and condemning and just plain hating myself - so much that I was distracted at work - I realize that was my first mistake. My second mistake was loosening up and not maintaining my self control. My third mistake was allowing my pride in self to be built up. I didn't get here on my own and I can't continue on my own. Only through God and His strength and self control can I ever hope to continue to grow in my own self control.
I had a goal with a deadline. I had people to hold me accountable to that goal and that deadline. I knew the course I had to take in order to meet the deadline. If I strayed, I beat myself up mentally and punished myself physically with extra cardio and extra workouts. Might not have been the best thing to do. Probably shouldn't do that again. But my point is I don't know what my goal is now or when it will be accomplished. I mean, I know my goal is to get to a healthy weight, lose fat and build muscle. So the determination and drive is still there, I just don't have a set deadline for that goal.
So is it any wonder that the second I relax my guard I go crazy. For my birthday I had three pieces of cake - they were 1/2 slices so I told myself it was only 1.5 pieces of cake. Like that makes it ok. I ate all my Chinese food for dinner instead of taking half of it home as planned. And then while still full from dinner, I had popcorn and a sugar cookie with icing that was probably pure sugar. I did fairly good Sunday - but that may have been because I was so full from Saturday. But Monday allergies hit and turned into sinus congestion with a slight fever so I haven't been back to the gym at all this week. How did I compensate? Did I eat less? Did I eat healthy? No and no. I continued to over eat - eating far more calories than I should have and eating whatever popped into my head to eat. So while it wasn't fast food, it was still too much and not the healthiest way to eat.
Which brings us to this afternoon when instead of working, I sat at my desk feeling consumed by pure disgust for myself and the same old guilt and shame that overeating brings. So to shake myself out of it I talked to God. I asked why am I doing this? What brought this on? Why did it go on for so long? Why can't I seem to stop? And it occurred to me. I hadn't logged any of my food. I use a special program to log my food. It's the Apex program for 24hour fitness. So my trainer can log on and see how I'm eating - if I need more protein and less fat. Or if I'm eating too much. DING DING! I haven't been logging my food so he can't see what I've been eating or how much I've been eating. I don't want him to know I've slipped. Well, slipped, slid, and tumbled far down the hill it took me so long to climb. I don't want him to know I've failed. I don't want him to know that I feel like a hypocrite - people ask me to motivate them, and don't get me wrong I would love to help in every and any way I can but how can I help people when I fail myself? Plus I could have probably gotten over this ick feeling much faster.
I was going to do a blog on motivation - still might later - but motivation is so personal and so different for each and every person. I would NOT be motivated by working out with Jillian or Bob. It would take less than one day of them screaming in my face before I gave up and walked out. Sorry, but I don't work well like that. I have to be encouraged and yes even coddled. My motivation was I couldn't stand how I looked. I couldn't stand myself. I wanted to live the life God gave me, not just coast through waiting for the day I would go to Heaven. But that may not be someone else's motivation.
My point to this long winded story is accountability is crucial. If I had logged my food I would have cut back after 1 day. Probably even half a day. Because I know someone else is seeing what I'm eating and going to want to talk about it. I hate it when it happens, but when I get called out for doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to do, yes it hurts and yes I get a slight attitude for a minute until I realize they are right and I need to get back on track.
My second thought as I talked to God was that the guilt, shame, disgust and disappointed are not from Him. Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." And none of what I was feeling were those things. So I know they were lies. I am human. I stumble and fall down. Alot. But - and this is the best thing - God picks me up, dusts me off, holds my hand, and continues the walk with me.
I leave you with Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." That means that I can say, like Scarlett O'Hara, that tomorrow is another day. I will get a good nights rest, wake up and drink my protein shake and then get to the gym and give my all in kickboxing class. New day, new attitude.
Now comes the painfully hard and brutally honest confession time. What did I do to celebrate this accomplishment? I ate. I didn't count any of the calories. And as I sit here one week later after over eating a not so healthy lunch berating myself and condemning and just plain hating myself - so much that I was distracted at work - I realize that was my first mistake. My second mistake was loosening up and not maintaining my self control. My third mistake was allowing my pride in self to be built up. I didn't get here on my own and I can't continue on my own. Only through God and His strength and self control can I ever hope to continue to grow in my own self control.
I had a goal with a deadline. I had people to hold me accountable to that goal and that deadline. I knew the course I had to take in order to meet the deadline. If I strayed, I beat myself up mentally and punished myself physically with extra cardio and extra workouts. Might not have been the best thing to do. Probably shouldn't do that again. But my point is I don't know what my goal is now or when it will be accomplished. I mean, I know my goal is to get to a healthy weight, lose fat and build muscle. So the determination and drive is still there, I just don't have a set deadline for that goal.
So is it any wonder that the second I relax my guard I go crazy. For my birthday I had three pieces of cake - they were 1/2 slices so I told myself it was only 1.5 pieces of cake. Like that makes it ok. I ate all my Chinese food for dinner instead of taking half of it home as planned. And then while still full from dinner, I had popcorn and a sugar cookie with icing that was probably pure sugar. I did fairly good Sunday - but that may have been because I was so full from Saturday. But Monday allergies hit and turned into sinus congestion with a slight fever so I haven't been back to the gym at all this week. How did I compensate? Did I eat less? Did I eat healthy? No and no. I continued to over eat - eating far more calories than I should have and eating whatever popped into my head to eat. So while it wasn't fast food, it was still too much and not the healthiest way to eat.
Which brings us to this afternoon when instead of working, I sat at my desk feeling consumed by pure disgust for myself and the same old guilt and shame that overeating brings. So to shake myself out of it I talked to God. I asked why am I doing this? What brought this on? Why did it go on for so long? Why can't I seem to stop? And it occurred to me. I hadn't logged any of my food. I use a special program to log my food. It's the Apex program for 24hour fitness. So my trainer can log on and see how I'm eating - if I need more protein and less fat. Or if I'm eating too much. DING DING! I haven't been logging my food so he can't see what I've been eating or how much I've been eating. I don't want him to know I've slipped. Well, slipped, slid, and tumbled far down the hill it took me so long to climb. I don't want him to know I've failed. I don't want him to know that I feel like a hypocrite - people ask me to motivate them, and don't get me wrong I would love to help in every and any way I can but how can I help people when I fail myself? Plus I could have probably gotten over this ick feeling much faster.
I was going to do a blog on motivation - still might later - but motivation is so personal and so different for each and every person. I would NOT be motivated by working out with Jillian or Bob. It would take less than one day of them screaming in my face before I gave up and walked out. Sorry, but I don't work well like that. I have to be encouraged and yes even coddled. My motivation was I couldn't stand how I looked. I couldn't stand myself. I wanted to live the life God gave me, not just coast through waiting for the day I would go to Heaven. But that may not be someone else's motivation.
My point to this long winded story is accountability is crucial. If I had logged my food I would have cut back after 1 day. Probably even half a day. Because I know someone else is seeing what I'm eating and going to want to talk about it. I hate it when it happens, but when I get called out for doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to do, yes it hurts and yes I get a slight attitude for a minute until I realize they are right and I need to get back on track.
My second thought as I talked to God was that the guilt, shame, disgust and disappointed are not from Him. Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." And none of what I was feeling were those things. So I know they were lies. I am human. I stumble and fall down. Alot. But - and this is the best thing - God picks me up, dusts me off, holds my hand, and continues the walk with me.
I leave you with Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." That means that I can say, like Scarlett O'Hara, that tomorrow is another day. I will get a good nights rest, wake up and drink my protein shake and then get to the gym and give my all in kickboxing class. New day, new attitude.
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