So today was my one year anniversary for working with a trainer. The final results? 114.5 (yes, the .5 totally counts!) and a total of 69.25 (again, yes, the .25 totally counts!) inches are gone!! So lately I've been worried about what my month results were going to be bad since I have a new trainer and new workout routines. So I didn't really think I had lost that much - turns out I lost 10.5 pounds and 10.5 inches this month. What are the odds of those being the same number? But anyway. All day I've been thinking of what I have learned this year and in no particular order here goes:
1. You won't die from doing cardio, cycle class gets easier when you find the right seat height, and kickboxing class is my favorite class.
2. Learning about nutrition and how it works within your body really does make it easier to eat healthy.
3. Treating yourself once in a while doesn't hurt.
4. There is no reason to beat yourself up for treating yourself once in a while.
5. Listening to music with a beat makes cardio sooooo much better.
6. Make friends with a really good hair stylist! Not really weight loss related, but let's face it ladies, on a good hair day, who cares what you eat or if aren't a perfect size 2?
7. It's ok for clothes to touch your skin! The big baggy clothes you think are hiding you from people judging you are really only making you look bigger than what you really are.
8. Watch less tv. Or switch to dvds. Because you don't realize that every other commercial is a food commercial until you aren't eating fast food.
9. Your tummy gets used to eating healthy. So while your brain may be screaming that it's craving fried food, your tummy will reject it.
10. Being able to look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see is worth all the hours in the gym, the sore muscles, and eating plain boring healthy food.
So those are the top ten things I've learned. I've learned much more, but it's hard to put it all into one blog.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Who am I?
I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I am bought with a price: I belong to Him. I am a friend of Jesus Christ. I am justified in Him. I am united with the Lord; one with Him in spirit. I am united with the Lord. I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child. I am a member of Christ's body. I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. I am complete in Christ. I am free from condemnation. I know that God works for my good in all circumstances. I cannot be separated from the love of God. I have been established, sealed, and anointed by God. I am hidden with Christ in God. I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me. I am an alien: a citizen of Heaven. I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. I am born of God and satan cannot touch me. I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the True Vine, and a channel of His life. I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. I am God's temple. I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realms. I am God's workmanship. I may approach God with freedom and confidence. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Sometimes it's easy to lose sight, to lose touch, and to just plain forget because who we are because of today's fast paced world. Or maybe there is a life changing experience we are going through. Or maybe we set our eyes on a goal instead of the One who gave us the goal and enabled us to reach it. I just wanted to remind myself and everyone else that we should be who God made us to be, not who the world wants us to be.
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago. ~ Ephesians 2:10
Sometimes it's easy to lose sight, to lose touch, and to just plain forget because who we are because of today's fast paced world. Or maybe there is a life changing experience we are going through. Or maybe we set our eyes on a goal instead of the One who gave us the goal and enabled us to reach it. I just wanted to remind myself and everyone else that we should be who God made us to be, not who the world wants us to be.
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago. ~ Ephesians 2:10
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Time magazine article "Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin"
Ok. So I saw a Time magaine in the break room that on the cover said "THE MYTH ABOUT EXERCISE". So I pick it up thinking maybe it has work out tips, cardio tips, form tips, etc. Cause I love to read and even though I have a trainer, I figure the more tips the better. Then I open the magazine and the actual article is titled "Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin". And I'm actually surprised. It's 4 pages of this guy ranting about how exercise really isn't that good for you. Why you won't lose weight, you'll gain weight, and how instead of maintaining his weight, if he didn't exercise he would probably lose the weight (and yet he still goes to the gym to do cardio, takes exercise classes, and pays a personal trainer.....hmmm....not very logical to me but go figure).
His argument - get this - is that exercising makes you hungry. So you eat more. So you gain weight instead of losing weight. Direct quote "The basic problem is that while it's true that exercise burns calories and that you must burn calories to lose weight, exercise has another effect: it can stimulate hunger. That causes us to eat more, which in turn can negate the weight loss benefits we just accrued. Exercise, in other words, isn't necessarily helping us lose weight. It may even make it harder."
I KNOW!!! Can you believe it?! I was totally speechless for like 5 minutes and - as most of you know - me speechless is kinda hard to accomplish. So this John Cloud of Time magazine is telling me that this year in the gym and 104 pounds lost was a figment of my imagination?! Cause if so, my imagination is truly awesome cause that was some painful imagination let me tell you.
I will give him this - there are days I am ravenous after a hard workout. So I go home, and eat healthy. Grab some fruit, drink a protein shake, eat a protein bar - not all three at the same time - but you get the point. I eat more of healthy stuff and don't swing by the Cane's next to the gym (whoever put that there is EVIL) and get fried food. Because it is so a combination of both eating right and exercising. You can't tell me otherwise. I'll probably post another blog on December 7 (since it will have been exactly a year of me going to the gym) with my weight and inch loss total - it was going to be a surprise but I wanted people to see that if I can do this thing, anyone can do this thing - and I should probably email it to this John Cloud quack to prove he is wrong!!! But you know what? For some insane reason there is a flip side - there are days I am just not hungry and have to remind myself to eat something. So it kind of evens itself out.
Sorry. Might have been more rant than blog. But it kind of ticks me off that someone will read the magazine article and think they don't have to exercise to get healthy. It's like the people that prey on the couch crowd with their ab-belts that work more muscles than sit ups or crunches and give you the 12 pack stomach by just wearing them because the belt does the work for you. Try telling your trainer you are getting one of those instead of doing said situps or crunches and see how far that gets you. Or you can get tone, sleek arms from that stupid bounce stick thing that you shake and for 2 minutes a day, you too can have sleeve-less worthy arms.
Is eating healthy easy? NO. Is it fun, exciting, and flavor-ful? NO. Are there times you're going to slip and eat junk? Oh YEAH. But as one of my friends reminded me - I've been eating badly for 30 years. Now I've been trying to eat healthy for 11 months. Which habit is a little bit stronger? But you know what? Honestly, you have to treat yourself once in a while - and a little treat don't go all crazy - and decide I'm not going to feel guilty about this. I, for one, am already eyeing some homemade caramel at my aunt's house for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Limiting myself to one or two pieces.
You know that stupid saying, "No pain, no gain"? I hate that saying. Someone says it to me and I just want to smack them and ask them "what was that about pain?" But I digress. I would never smack someone. Honest. The saying is kind of true. I feel secretly satisfied when my muscles are sore and achy - it means I did something productive. Of course sometimes I wish they weren't cause I wake myself up at night just rolling over. I can't remember the last time I wasn't a little bit tired. Or sore. But that's not the point. The point is that diet AND exercise are the key to losing weight and reaching then maintaining the healthy lifestyle. That and no more Time magazines for me.
His argument - get this - is that exercising makes you hungry. So you eat more. So you gain weight instead of losing weight. Direct quote "The basic problem is that while it's true that exercise burns calories and that you must burn calories to lose weight, exercise has another effect: it can stimulate hunger. That causes us to eat more, which in turn can negate the weight loss benefits we just accrued. Exercise, in other words, isn't necessarily helping us lose weight. It may even make it harder."
I KNOW!!! Can you believe it?! I was totally speechless for like 5 minutes and - as most of you know - me speechless is kinda hard to accomplish. So this John Cloud of Time magazine is telling me that this year in the gym and 104 pounds lost was a figment of my imagination?! Cause if so, my imagination is truly awesome cause that was some painful imagination let me tell you.
I will give him this - there are days I am ravenous after a hard workout. So I go home, and eat healthy. Grab some fruit, drink a protein shake, eat a protein bar - not all three at the same time - but you get the point. I eat more of healthy stuff and don't swing by the Cane's next to the gym (whoever put that there is EVIL) and get fried food. Because it is so a combination of both eating right and exercising. You can't tell me otherwise. I'll probably post another blog on December 7 (since it will have been exactly a year of me going to the gym) with my weight and inch loss total - it was going to be a surprise but I wanted people to see that if I can do this thing, anyone can do this thing - and I should probably email it to this John Cloud quack to prove he is wrong!!! But you know what? For some insane reason there is a flip side - there are days I am just not hungry and have to remind myself to eat something. So it kind of evens itself out.
Sorry. Might have been more rant than blog. But it kind of ticks me off that someone will read the magazine article and think they don't have to exercise to get healthy. It's like the people that prey on the couch crowd with their ab-belts that work more muscles than sit ups or crunches and give you the 12 pack stomach by just wearing them because the belt does the work for you. Try telling your trainer you are getting one of those instead of doing said situps or crunches and see how far that gets you. Or you can get tone, sleek arms from that stupid bounce stick thing that you shake and for 2 minutes a day, you too can have sleeve-less worthy arms.
Is eating healthy easy? NO. Is it fun, exciting, and flavor-ful? NO. Are there times you're going to slip and eat junk? Oh YEAH. But as one of my friends reminded me - I've been eating badly for 30 years. Now I've been trying to eat healthy for 11 months. Which habit is a little bit stronger? But you know what? Honestly, you have to treat yourself once in a while - and a little treat don't go all crazy - and decide I'm not going to feel guilty about this. I, for one, am already eyeing some homemade caramel at my aunt's house for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Limiting myself to one or two pieces.
You know that stupid saying, "No pain, no gain"? I hate that saying. Someone says it to me and I just want to smack them and ask them "what was that about pain?" But I digress. I would never smack someone. Honest. The saying is kind of true. I feel secretly satisfied when my muscles are sore and achy - it means I did something productive. Of course sometimes I wish they weren't cause I wake myself up at night just rolling over. I can't remember the last time I wasn't a little bit tired. Or sore. But that's not the point. The point is that diet AND exercise are the key to losing weight and reaching then maintaining the healthy lifestyle. That and no more Time magazines for me.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
One week in...
....and I'm ready for it to be finished already!!! Aparently, carbohydrates provide your body with energy. So when you cut down on the carbs it forces your body to dig down and provide it's own energy source - from the fat it has stored for that rainy day. At least that's how I understand that it works. So the first day wasn't too bad actually - I logged my food and the breakdown came back as 50% carbs and 40% protein and 10% fat. So I texted my trainer because while I did indeed increase my protein intake as instructed, it was still a lot of carbs. And sure enough my goal is 20% carbs. So I cut out the banana and the milk. Which makes my total carbohydrate intake about 30%. And the difference was instantaneous! I have much less energy. I think I actually worried my trainer on Friday because I got dizzy and wouldn't talk. I felt bad - I wasn't trying to be rude, honest. I may not be too thrilled with him, but I didn't really talk because I am so tired in the afternoons that I can't form coherent thoughts. So that's what made me switch my protein shake to my morning snack and make tuna my afternoon snack - so I can have solid food before I work out.
And then I might have sort of over compensated by drinking 4 cups of coffee every day - which has made cafeine withdraws fun this weekend. So new goal for next week is one cup a day. Because I can't get let myself get dependent on the cafeine to provide energy. So I'm reminding myself that this is going to make me lose pure body fat - because my body is having to dig deep and use the fat since there are no carbs for it to use. And we'll truck on through the second week. Third week will be fun, because I'm going off for one day for Thanksgiving - with the goal of not going crazy - so this high protein thing will last until the end of November. And then....we'll see what happens. But I know it's going to be good to have one cookie! And it'll be good to see the results of this.
And then I might have sort of over compensated by drinking 4 cups of coffee every day - which has made cafeine withdraws fun this weekend. So new goal for next week is one cup a day. Because I can't get let myself get dependent on the cafeine to provide energy. So I'm reminding myself that this is going to make me lose pure body fat - because my body is having to dig deep and use the fat since there are no carbs for it to use. And we'll truck on through the second week. Third week will be fun, because I'm going off for one day for Thanksgiving - with the goal of not going crazy - so this high protein thing will last until the end of November. And then....we'll see what happens. But I know it's going to be good to have one cookie! And it'll be good to see the results of this.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Never Say Diet
Ok, so I may have mentioned this before, but I hate the word diet. I go on a "diet" and I gain weight because all I can think of is food. So when my new trainer said he wanted me to go on a high protein lower carbohydrate diet for three weeks I agreed because he's my trainer, seems to know what he's talking about, and change is good for your body in the weight loss world. And I have dreaded this ever since. I've been fighting the cravings for anything and everything that I can't eat for the next three weeks. Then today I realized this is probably not the best attitude to go into this adventure with. So I'm going in claiming Mark 9:23 where Jesus says “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
Here is the eating plan for the next three weeks:
Breakfast: 2 packets of instant oatmeal. Plus I get to have my cup of coffee!!! But I had to promise to drink a cup of coffee with a little cream instead of my usual cup of cream with a little coffee.
Morning Snack: banana and a packet of tuna fish (probably with a little time in between since that doesn't sound like a good combo).
Lunch: chicken, fish, or turkey sandwich - wheat bread with mustard, lettuce, tomato and pickles only.
Afternoon snack: protein meal replacement powder in skim milk
Dinner: Chicken, fish or turkey - 6 to 8 oz with a vegetable
Late snack: tuna packet
So the average daily calorie intake is 1100-1200 calories. This will be interesting, but I'm gonna do it!
Here is the eating plan for the next three weeks:
Breakfast: 2 packets of instant oatmeal. Plus I get to have my cup of coffee!!! But I had to promise to drink a cup of coffee with a little cream instead of my usual cup of cream with a little coffee.
Morning Snack: banana and a packet of tuna fish (probably with a little time in between since that doesn't sound like a good combo).
Lunch: chicken, fish, or turkey sandwich - wheat bread with mustard, lettuce, tomato and pickles only.
Afternoon snack: protein meal replacement powder in skim milk
Dinner: Chicken, fish or turkey - 6 to 8 oz with a vegetable
Late snack: tuna packet
So the average daily calorie intake is 1100-1200 calories. This will be interesting, but I'm gonna do it!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
You are not alone
Ok, so I haven't posted much here lately. In case you haven't noticed on facebook - except I'm sure you have because I update my status' far far too often. I've been a little busy this month. This weekend I've been packing up to move apartments. And last weekend I was away because I was priviliged enough to be able to work a weekend with my Heavenly Father. Do you know why I love working Tres Dias weekends? I love it because I love being reminded that my God is a living, breathing, personal God. Who loves us so much that He takes time out of His busy schedule to meet with each of us individually - candidates and workers alike - to sort out our garbage and remind us that He loves us soooo much and He is taking care of us. Last weekend I shut off my cell phone for three days and basked in God's glory and love. And there are no words for that. And - confession time - I ate the campground food. Every morning I had eggs, buscuit and gravy, bacon/sausage, and fruit. I had dessert with every lunch and dinner. I ate the snacks at the tables and I got addicted to the peanuts and candy corn that when combined tase just like a payday - which I just have to say to whoever found that combination and decided to share it with the rest of us - that was very un-christian of you. And I enjoyed it! Now as I prepare to move, I eat the odd combination of foods so that I don't have to move the food to the new place (still not sure why - how hard is it to carry food from one apartment to another?!). Which means my calorie intake has been pretty high. And my time at the gym has been pretty low. So what has happened? The guilt has come in and taken away from my basking in God's joy and love. And the bad part is I let it. But I'm taking that joy back. You know why? Because I should not be ashamed and guilty. That is just a lie that I will not believe anymore. So maybe I didn't lose any pounds this month. Well guess what. That's ok. I'll get back to losing next month. In these past 10 months I have literally lunged and squatted my butt off. I have no butt. Not that you needed to know that about me - the point is I worked hard and am giving my body a little break to catch it's breath. But you know what? I didn't gain any pounds either. That brings me a little relief - it means that I should be able to handle the maintaining stage ok.
I almost made the joke that I can't work any more Tres Dias weekends because everytime I come back from working one I end up with a new trainer. But I won't be giving up these weekends! Even if it means breaking in a new guy. I love working Tres Dias because it is an opportunity for me to nail my worries to the cross and never pick them back up again. It's a chance for me to bond in a way that is never broken with other sisters in Christ. And it's a reminder that we are not alone in this journey. We all stumble, but we all get back up. I was reminded today that John 3:16 says that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. God so loved YOU that He sent His son to die for YOU. Jesus so loved YOU that He chose to die for YOU.
YOU personally. YOU period. He is in love with YOU. He doesn't care how thin you are. How long your hair is or how many wrinkles you have or don't have. Did you know when you laugh, He smiles!
Another confession time - When I was heavy, I didn't want a guy. I did because somehow it's a stigma to be single. You are incomplete, not a normal person unless you have a husband. I wanted one, but at the same time I didn't want one, because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Now I'm a lot more comfortable, a little more confident. But you know what? Who can treat me better than my God and Saviour? Who can provide for me better? Protect me better? Comfort, care, and know exactly what I need and truly want? I say this because YOU are not defined by having a person in your life. YOU are defined by who you Father is. There's a song and I don't know who sings it or the title of the song but the lyrics go "there is a God-shaped hole in all of us." I love that God designed us to need Him.
You know what I love about the bible? Everytime I read it something new jumps out at me like never before. My favorite verse is Psalms 37:4 - Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. You know why? Cause I may think I know what I want. What I desire. But He really knows what I need and what I should have. Sometimes what we think we want is only what the world says we should want. But God knows our hearts, and what we truly want and need.
So I sat down to write about one thing, and this all came out. I hope it made sense. I hope it helps. And I hope to give you all hugs soon.
I almost made the joke that I can't work any more Tres Dias weekends because everytime I come back from working one I end up with a new trainer. But I won't be giving up these weekends! Even if it means breaking in a new guy. I love working Tres Dias because it is an opportunity for me to nail my worries to the cross and never pick them back up again. It's a chance for me to bond in a way that is never broken with other sisters in Christ. And it's a reminder that we are not alone in this journey. We all stumble, but we all get back up. I was reminded today that John 3:16 says that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. God so loved YOU that He sent His son to die for YOU. Jesus so loved YOU that He chose to die for YOU.
YOU personally. YOU period. He is in love with YOU. He doesn't care how thin you are. How long your hair is or how many wrinkles you have or don't have. Did you know when you laugh, He smiles!
Another confession time - When I was heavy, I didn't want a guy. I did because somehow it's a stigma to be single. You are incomplete, not a normal person unless you have a husband. I wanted one, but at the same time I didn't want one, because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Now I'm a lot more comfortable, a little more confident. But you know what? Who can treat me better than my God and Saviour? Who can provide for me better? Protect me better? Comfort, care, and know exactly what I need and truly want? I say this because YOU are not defined by having a person in your life. YOU are defined by who you Father is. There's a song and I don't know who sings it or the title of the song but the lyrics go "there is a God-shaped hole in all of us." I love that God designed us to need Him.
You know what I love about the bible? Everytime I read it something new jumps out at me like never before. My favorite verse is Psalms 37:4 - Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. You know why? Cause I may think I know what I want. What I desire. But He really knows what I need and what I should have. Sometimes what we think we want is only what the world says we should want. But God knows our hearts, and what we truly want and need.
So I sat down to write about one thing, and this all came out. I hope it made sense. I hope it helps. And I hope to give you all hugs soon.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Accountability and why it is so important
There's a lot on my mind so I'm not sure where to begin. Has anyone seen the new series on CBS called Mike & Molly? I loved that show - granted I've only seen the pilot, but it was still very funny. The main characters meet at an over eaters anonymous meeting where jokes about weight and eating....and eating...and eating some more are made. And while I laughed at the jokes - because I can totally relate to all of them - not one mention was made of why the pattern started or how to end the pattern. Which apparently is where I am stuck. As you all know by now - because I may have mentioned it once or twice - or a few more times - I had the weight loss goal of 102 pounds by my birthday. And I was so excited because it has been way way too long since I have looked in the mirror and liked what I've seen.
Now comes the painfully hard and brutally honest confession time. What did I do to celebrate this accomplishment? I ate. I didn't count any of the calories. And as I sit here one week later after over eating a not so healthy lunch berating myself and condemning and just plain hating myself - so much that I was distracted at work - I realize that was my first mistake. My second mistake was loosening up and not maintaining my self control. My third mistake was allowing my pride in self to be built up. I didn't get here on my own and I can't continue on my own. Only through God and His strength and self control can I ever hope to continue to grow in my own self control.
I had a goal with a deadline. I had people to hold me accountable to that goal and that deadline. I knew the course I had to take in order to meet the deadline. If I strayed, I beat myself up mentally and punished myself physically with extra cardio and extra workouts. Might not have been the best thing to do. Probably shouldn't do that again. But my point is I don't know what my goal is now or when it will be accomplished. I mean, I know my goal is to get to a healthy weight, lose fat and build muscle. So the determination and drive is still there, I just don't have a set deadline for that goal.
So is it any wonder that the second I relax my guard I go crazy. For my birthday I had three pieces of cake - they were 1/2 slices so I told myself it was only 1.5 pieces of cake. Like that makes it ok. I ate all my Chinese food for dinner instead of taking half of it home as planned. And then while still full from dinner, I had popcorn and a sugar cookie with icing that was probably pure sugar. I did fairly good Sunday - but that may have been because I was so full from Saturday. But Monday allergies hit and turned into sinus congestion with a slight fever so I haven't been back to the gym at all this week. How did I compensate? Did I eat less? Did I eat healthy? No and no. I continued to over eat - eating far more calories than I should have and eating whatever popped into my head to eat. So while it wasn't fast food, it was still too much and not the healthiest way to eat.
Which brings us to this afternoon when instead of working, I sat at my desk feeling consumed by pure disgust for myself and the same old guilt and shame that overeating brings. So to shake myself out of it I talked to God. I asked why am I doing this? What brought this on? Why did it go on for so long? Why can't I seem to stop? And it occurred to me. I hadn't logged any of my food. I use a special program to log my food. It's the Apex program for 24hour fitness. So my trainer can log on and see how I'm eating - if I need more protein and less fat. Or if I'm eating too much. DING DING! I haven't been logging my food so he can't see what I've been eating or how much I've been eating. I don't want him to know I've slipped. Well, slipped, slid, and tumbled far down the hill it took me so long to climb. I don't want him to know I've failed. I don't want him to know that I feel like a hypocrite - people ask me to motivate them, and don't get me wrong I would love to help in every and any way I can but how can I help people when I fail myself? Plus I could have probably gotten over this ick feeling much faster.
I was going to do a blog on motivation - still might later - but motivation is so personal and so different for each and every person. I would NOT be motivated by working out with Jillian or Bob. It would take less than one day of them screaming in my face before I gave up and walked out. Sorry, but I don't work well like that. I have to be encouraged and yes even coddled. My motivation was I couldn't stand how I looked. I couldn't stand myself. I wanted to live the life God gave me, not just coast through waiting for the day I would go to Heaven. But that may not be someone else's motivation.
My point to this long winded story is accountability is crucial. If I had logged my food I would have cut back after 1 day. Probably even half a day. Because I know someone else is seeing what I'm eating and going to want to talk about it. I hate it when it happens, but when I get called out for doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to do, yes it hurts and yes I get a slight attitude for a minute until I realize they are right and I need to get back on track.
My second thought as I talked to God was that the guilt, shame, disgust and disappointed are not from Him. Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." And none of what I was feeling were those things. So I know they were lies. I am human. I stumble and fall down. Alot. But - and this is the best thing - God picks me up, dusts me off, holds my hand, and continues the walk with me.
I leave you with Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." That means that I can say, like Scarlett O'Hara, that tomorrow is another day. I will get a good nights rest, wake up and drink my protein shake and then get to the gym and give my all in kickboxing class. New day, new attitude.
Now comes the painfully hard and brutally honest confession time. What did I do to celebrate this accomplishment? I ate. I didn't count any of the calories. And as I sit here one week later after over eating a not so healthy lunch berating myself and condemning and just plain hating myself - so much that I was distracted at work - I realize that was my first mistake. My second mistake was loosening up and not maintaining my self control. My third mistake was allowing my pride in self to be built up. I didn't get here on my own and I can't continue on my own. Only through God and His strength and self control can I ever hope to continue to grow in my own self control.
I had a goal with a deadline. I had people to hold me accountable to that goal and that deadline. I knew the course I had to take in order to meet the deadline. If I strayed, I beat myself up mentally and punished myself physically with extra cardio and extra workouts. Might not have been the best thing to do. Probably shouldn't do that again. But my point is I don't know what my goal is now or when it will be accomplished. I mean, I know my goal is to get to a healthy weight, lose fat and build muscle. So the determination and drive is still there, I just don't have a set deadline for that goal.
So is it any wonder that the second I relax my guard I go crazy. For my birthday I had three pieces of cake - they were 1/2 slices so I told myself it was only 1.5 pieces of cake. Like that makes it ok. I ate all my Chinese food for dinner instead of taking half of it home as planned. And then while still full from dinner, I had popcorn and a sugar cookie with icing that was probably pure sugar. I did fairly good Sunday - but that may have been because I was so full from Saturday. But Monday allergies hit and turned into sinus congestion with a slight fever so I haven't been back to the gym at all this week. How did I compensate? Did I eat less? Did I eat healthy? No and no. I continued to over eat - eating far more calories than I should have and eating whatever popped into my head to eat. So while it wasn't fast food, it was still too much and not the healthiest way to eat.
Which brings us to this afternoon when instead of working, I sat at my desk feeling consumed by pure disgust for myself and the same old guilt and shame that overeating brings. So to shake myself out of it I talked to God. I asked why am I doing this? What brought this on? Why did it go on for so long? Why can't I seem to stop? And it occurred to me. I hadn't logged any of my food. I use a special program to log my food. It's the Apex program for 24hour fitness. So my trainer can log on and see how I'm eating - if I need more protein and less fat. Or if I'm eating too much. DING DING! I haven't been logging my food so he can't see what I've been eating or how much I've been eating. I don't want him to know I've slipped. Well, slipped, slid, and tumbled far down the hill it took me so long to climb. I don't want him to know I've failed. I don't want him to know that I feel like a hypocrite - people ask me to motivate them, and don't get me wrong I would love to help in every and any way I can but how can I help people when I fail myself? Plus I could have probably gotten over this ick feeling much faster.
I was going to do a blog on motivation - still might later - but motivation is so personal and so different for each and every person. I would NOT be motivated by working out with Jillian or Bob. It would take less than one day of them screaming in my face before I gave up and walked out. Sorry, but I don't work well like that. I have to be encouraged and yes even coddled. My motivation was I couldn't stand how I looked. I couldn't stand myself. I wanted to live the life God gave me, not just coast through waiting for the day I would go to Heaven. But that may not be someone else's motivation.
My point to this long winded story is accountability is crucial. If I had logged my food I would have cut back after 1 day. Probably even half a day. Because I know someone else is seeing what I'm eating and going to want to talk about it. I hate it when it happens, but when I get called out for doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to do, yes it hurts and yes I get a slight attitude for a minute until I realize they are right and I need to get back on track.
My second thought as I talked to God was that the guilt, shame, disgust and disappointed are not from Him. Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." And none of what I was feeling were those things. So I know they were lies. I am human. I stumble and fall down. Alot. But - and this is the best thing - God picks me up, dusts me off, holds my hand, and continues the walk with me.
I leave you with Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." That means that I can say, like Scarlett O'Hara, that tomorrow is another day. I will get a good nights rest, wake up and drink my protein shake and then get to the gym and give my all in kickboxing class. New day, new attitude.
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